and you remember the times when you let yourself sink into it not caring.
You can’t remember if it was like sugar or cocaine just that back then you didn’t care if you ended up fat or strung out.
You wanted it… Because it helped you focus on what you wanted. Because it felt good.
There were times though when it didn’t feel so good. Though now, you remember everything with flipping fondness. You know there were tears and some… desperation – when whether it was coke or sugar (still can’t put your finger on which it was, can you?) it was no good for you. And you cried – desperately. And you sought help. And there was none, so you were desperate in your refusal to cry.
And now, you find yourself drawn in again. Can’t really tell from the looking which one it is. Over here where you can only see it way over there, you don’t know. While afraid to find out, worried about what the end result will be, you know resistance is futile. Because, it had you from the very first moment.
You hope for sugar.
Doesn’t help that somehow there is a beckoning beacon. Inveigling itself into your psyche, your dreams, your senses… again. And you’re helpless to resist. Almost helpless – you will have to take responsibility for this go round. You cannot pass on the responsibility of whatever outcome it turns out to be. You are not innocent of the potential quicksand of feeling that may swallow you up this time. You know there is a danger, just not sure how much of a quagmire. Or you’re in denial.
Denial is a definite possibility. The beacon could just be your desires and nothing else. Some people are just like the flame to the moth. They can’t help being what they are when they burn off wings.
Love does not conquer everything. You know this. You know you could never live with being second. It has never been a position you can tolerate. This you know. It may be the only thing you know. You’ve felt your emotions shut down little by little upon the inkling of the realization that you are not primary and thus the beginning to distance yourself. You’ve been there many times with different people. You have never been able to even talk yourself into tolerating second place. Have tried your darnedest to convince yourself, made up scenarios where it could be enough – without success.
Still, now, it’s only the lusciousness of those remembered feelings that you find yourself drowning in, keep remembering. Realize you never forgot and have subconsciously been reproducing, reconstituting, re… creating.
Is it fine if that usual end game is removed? Are you sure enough of your declaration about not needing that end? Can attractions be savoured purely in the moment without the culmination? Pure, unmitigated and viscerally honest – not many people can handle that. Can you even handle that? Yeah… It’s been done. Should be able to be done again. Although, even the major college crush came back of his own volition to close the deal.
Don’t want cocaine. Too dangerous…
Ugh! In the end you know you don’t give a damn. You have been addicted from that very first moment. You still remember that moment when he placed his finger under your chin like some romance novel male protagonist and raised your face to look in his eyes cementing the destruction of your vulcan-like self control (even more than the man you almost made your husband), the moments even after in the confessions and desperate tears, the drunkenness of the sensations in so many of those moments, in actions and reactions from him that caused you to imagine those hopeless scenarios…
Since you are still unsure of the level of danger [or are in denial], maybe more information will help you to decide.
Please let it be sugar.