Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 10 July 2006

Sometimes I wonder…

why I’m doing this. So I’m setting up a whole website for data collection. What makes me think that if I get a ton of artists to say “duh! there are cognitive portions of the creative process and yes, analogies can be drawn between these and perceptual processes” anyone will pay attention.  Furthermore, even if they pay attention what will that do?  Will everyone all of a sudden stop believing that artists go in the studio are possessed by a frantic muse and voila ART!  Will there be a time when there isn’t a strained pause if aesthetic experience and cognitive process come out of my mouth in the same breath.

The previous actually has nothing to do with what’s on my mind.  What I really sometimes wonder is why it is I can’t be comfortable with where I am.  I have in these past few months been on edge.  Either ‘something’ happens now or I just finally respond to one of those Royal Caribbean Job match emails. I already feel like I’m 40 and I additionally realize that it’s the first time in my whole life I haven’t felt 30.  I’m just so tired.  I miss having a three bedroom house with a den for my studio.  I miss being able to take trips. I miss having a nice car.  I miss the dishwasher, washer and dryer. Most of all…I miss my hair dresser and my little taiwanese nail guy. And why is it that I can’t have these things and be an artist?  I know I can have these things and be an arts administrator.  I would actually be good at that.  But then, how is that different from sitting at a desk answering the phone, going to meetings and making up reports in a totally non-art related job?

If I become an artist full-time, I probably won’t even be able to make the kind of art I want to make and afford to eat.  If I hear afro-centric one more time I’m going to bleach my hair blond again.  It becomes the same as sitting at the desk, only it pays less while being something of a blasphemy.

It seems I travel through life picking out the hardest thing to do.  Why, why, didn’t I stick with biochemistry?  At least it would be an ‘ist’ that isn’t responded to with “What are you going to do with that? Teach?”  Yeah, well..bitch, moan, complain…that’s not solving anything. It’s just not the first time I’ve thought of throwing the towel in and just getting a job welding…pay’s decent.  Only…I’m not even qualified to do that…steel sculpture does not count toward AWS certification.

It doesn’t help that people plan snazzy new live/work spaces for the artists that they will never be able to afford to live and work at art in [at least not an emerging artist] and that no one realizes that artists probably don’t mind working next to an auto mechanic shop.  I’m exhausted.

This reminds me of the Leonardo review of artist journals vs. scientist journals.  I remember thinking as I read the reviewer complain about artists complaining about mundane things “Well, that’s what you get when you ask people who think by doing to start writing stuff down.”  Well here you go, this interdisciplinary project is fast becoming a bitch session.


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