Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 14 April 2007

Ashen Gray/Blue Flame

SL Smokes

Originally uploaded by Xhyra Graf.

I’ve been feeling exceptionally pissed off all day. It’s not even that I’m anymore aggravated than usual; the aggravation has just been allowed to be today. I know most people that think they know me think that they know I’m a happy go lucky person that smiles a lot. However, I know most people that know me know that I’m in a pissed off state of being most of the time. Today, all day, it has been on the surface. And…I’ve allowed it to remain there….tired of the person that I’ve become in an effort to make the world comfortable…instead of myself.

I’ve been wondering what’s going to happen when I finally hit that age when the estrogen wears thin and I find that I am unable to restrain my disdain.

I am annoyed.

More than usual…It generally seems that I am annoyed by the mundane happenings in my life. I especially direct it at inane things like the bogg-brains; but because I am additionally annoyed at being mundanely annoyed, I know that there is a deeper problem

Where are the men? That is my problem.

Where are the men who, though I am a woman who is more like the personality behind this picture of MarChrist Autopoiesis than the XhyraGraf, can still be men? When will the ones who masquarade as men stop rearing their twisted psyches and pissing me off. Because the masqueraders are typically the ones who treat you like a second class citizen because you are a woman. That are Zeta Eta Theta while thinking they are Alpha. 

I really, really know deep in my bones that real men think real women are strong women who have brains. But where are they?

I know I walk around fully encased in cement, but so what?

A whiff of the me free me be me and some numbnut makes me want to carve “as if” in his scrotum with a dull knife. Besides who could stand an unencased me, when they are barely able to withstand a faded, gray version of me.

And I rage at the weak, washed out, ashen, bleakness of it all.

Yet, right now, right in this moment, like the glimpse that you get sometimes upon just awakening as answer to your questions…it explains where the men are.

Somewhere where women don’t allow themselves to be pale gray, but revel in the blue heat of the hottest part of the flame.

 Baldie Xhyra
Same pose, no cigar…

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