Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 20 April 2007

I say it often…

Depression is just anger without motivation. 

I don’t remember where I heard it.  While it does seem that way…the philosophy hell that I have made myself endure forces me to make more of a distinction.

Depression is anger unprepared to unfold itself fully…thus necessitating the squelching of motivation.


It wasn’t until the end of the conversation when she finally said “The reception went OK” that I remembered that her reception was yesterday. 

That means one thing…

I completely forgot. 

Which really means…

I was wallowing in ashen gray self-pity without realizing it.  Which made me…


I felt it flare…the chill of an almost overpowering and living energy.

I only allowed it to last for a nanosecond. 

Whose fault is it that I am in the position that I am? Only the one responsible for my life – me.  I’m already seventeen years late in getting a masters and I can no more blame them for not making it a priority than I can make myself stop believing that they should be able to guide me along the way…as I should.

The blue flame squelching mechanisms clamped into place so I could focus on my friend who I had let down. 

I apologised for missing the reception. 

Having to apologise for something like this made me again begin to need…

Destruction…I want to damage something.

To take a hammer to something, throw things, break things, stomp on them, rip them apart with my bare hands until I am physically unable to continue, out of breath, hands cut and aching, forced to stop, trembling from the exertion, to look around….

Satisfied with the havoc I wrought.

I’ll hang the punching bag first thing tomorrow.

For now I have those pieces of metal and my hammer…



  1. […] I say it often… […]

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