Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 17 July 2009

C’est la meme chose… toujours

Me-AtOne Year

Here is the usual photo of me At One.  While I don’t remember exactly what I was thinking, I am quite sure I was thinking clearly. Since no one thought I would be “thinking” anyway I was left alone…in peace…to think.  I’ve been trying to get back here for what is now most of my life.  Here I recognize my face.  Or rather, here I recognize “myself”.  Undiluted.

Now it’s just a memory and we all know how reliable most people think that is.  Again, I have, crap, had a freakish memory.  I rue the day I began to trust mechanical things to keep my memories.  Everything goes downhill from there.  Calculators, computers, superphones-love/hate relationship.

[My mother looks at me supremely confused, “What do you mean you don’t remember the number?”  I can still read, very quickly, upside down text.  That’s served me well in quite a few situations.  Ah, the wonderful strangeness of my family.  Mummy and Aunty Fay spelling backwards in conversations is really a fond memory.  I waited a while before I let them know I was on to them.  Or maybe the joke was on me…]

That was one of the puzzles for me back then. Why was it “better” to be able to use a calculator than do the stuff in your head?  Never understood that.  Must have the machine as proof that the work was done… bah!  I still remember that wonderful science fiction story about the advanced civilization that had to relearn everything. Can’t remember the title or author.  I never could keep titles and authors in my head straight, wonder what that’s about?

[Sigh, obviously I’m not going to get far today.  Still, I have to work through all of the data dump if I want to make sure I don’t miss anything to get to the meat of things.]

So, the point is that back then I was allowed to focus, developing a formidable concentration.  It’s often said that you could drop a bomb around me when I was reading and I wouldn’t notice.  True, but not as bad as it sounds.  I was just good at tuning things out.  Switching my level of awareness or where I focused my attention if necessary was always under my control.  The faint smell of stew peas and rice from the kitchen on the other side of the house always got my attention.  I need that control again… in a sustainable fashion. 

I’ve said that I tend to be motivated by irritation.  It really is an accurate description of my academic history.  This is not good.  It leads to disaster situations that include professors saying “I can’t believe you still don’t know what your artwork is about.”  Yes, leaving behind talk of the formal aspects of “A Phenomenological Approach” to try to convey the content in a few sentences was a huge error in judgment that even the nine year old Tonie would have known not to commit.  Though it is obvious that the question “Do you know what it means that you are reading at a 12th grade level?” still irritates me to this very day.  Sigh, of course the fact that I only looked up at her for a few seconds before going back to reading probably cemented in the reason she asked that question. 

[Ah, the freakish memory… I feel like I’m in the chair, remember the texture of the pages. Maybe, just maybe, I should also remember to gauge my progress toward focus with the body memory of that split-second decision not to engage.  I am certain, very certain that I will be in that kind of a situation again. Insert the Principle of the Uniformity of Nature here.  Yup, the eyelids lift, the eyelids lower-this encapsulates many of those kinds of memories in the simplest way.]

I used to be able to tune irritations out when I was doing something.  It seems I’ve fallen prey to the very thing that I tend complain about in analytic philosophy… stopping to argue/explaining something I don’t really need to “clarify” at that time instead of concentrating on the thing I am currently trying to understand.  I know it’s necessary eventually to break everything down into little bits. That’s why you could probably kill someone if you hit them in the head with the Science of Logic as opposed to just hurting them a tiny bit if you use the Phenomenology of Spirit.  Unfortunately, I’ve allowed myself to lose sight of the thing by allowing my attention to drift… to other people’s questions.  It’s a bit frustrating that I’m going to have to work a bit to fully grasp the intricacy of my own formulation of a personal method to address the problem.  Including awareness of the interference that is necessarily generated by a verbal [propositional?] interaction about a non-verbal state.

In the process of jumping back and forth from here to that memory, I am also realizing that I need to be careful about the words I use.  Irritation is not the correct word for that experience; distraction is the correct word.  The question distracted me.  I didn’t understand why she would ask me if I understood something when she had just been given proof that I was really smart.  Then I decided it wasn’t important enough for me to answer her.  I knew people vacilated between thinking I was a little too reserved for a child or a maybe a little “slow” and the book was interesting.  Now the experience is an irritation to me; then it was just a distraction.

[Oh, this is important.]

That it has built up to be described as an irritation is the crux of the problem. The lumping together of analogous experiences which only has to be done toward the describing, begins to make them indistinguishable.  The only way to keep the information uncorrupted is to run through, maybe repeatedly? and parse it again.  Nope, still not quite right.  In fact, completely wrong.  [Not wrong about the remedy-the description of the problem itself].  It is not just the classifying with other experiences through verbal [propositional?] processes.  It is a combination of how much time has passed since the memory was accessed after the body memory has been coupled with an verbal [propositional?] classification process.  And really does this even need to be a propositional classification?  I’ve thought that qualia is simply the awareness of [caused by? oh boy, this is going to be difficult-check the qualia writings] the process of classifying incoming data in relation to other data within the spatio-temporally located system that is me – which doesn’t need to be a recountable awareness of the all of the content of the process just the combo of the identifying the [boundaries of?] system and the classification of area of the container that this info needs to be stored because the complexity of the built history, the amount and variety of data, plus the speed at which info is taken in vs. how much time there is practically/functionally to respond makes it necessary to have a reference point that only accounts for that history toward calculating the best possible action. Yeah, that was simple… not.

It seems though that the reference point is always there, even not aware. So still, this just describes the process.  I thought I knew why it was necessary to have the “I” and not just have the input/response without the additonal step of identifying the boundaries of the system.  I’m sure some mathematician would be able to tell me why it’s necessary or how important it is to set the boundaries of complex systems toward calculation in a concrete [and much flipping shorter] way, but I need to work through the process of figuring out in my own sense what I mean. 

[But, dammit.  I have to go. To post or not to post. Yeah, you’re going to have to refamaliarize yourself again anyway when you return. Why not time stamp the pause.]

Duh! It’s simply because the reference point is a complete system not just a point in the system like a center of gravity would be used for calculations. Plus, the fact that it is probabilistic calculation. Well maybe, I’ll get back to this.


Back for just a little bit so I don’t forget this. 

It is simple.  It is those “does not compute” moments that bring us into awareness [or better wording-switches our attention] of the point of reference [boundaries of the system]/classification combo within the specious present-as it is happening.  [The range of these experiences going from that sort, to the aesthetic experience through to meditative attention or mystical experience.] These aware moments are stored as meories to come back to later and either properly classify or make sure it’s properly classified [for some]. That is why it’s appropriate to call it an anomaly.  [See CPREA paper-to align with an objective truth or reality which cannot in principle have errors or anomalies.]  Not the probabilistic nature per se but the very essence or basicness of “uncertainty” – It is there, but for us to “balance” we either have to make a “choice” or be equipped to accept that uncertainty somehow. 

The decision to not engage was simply because I thought I already knew the answer to why she said something that did not make sense – it was a minor puzzle solved in the moments it took for me to raise then lower my eyelids.

While these process go on smoothly for the most part [including the marking of the system boundaries or reference point, “I”], these “errors” cause an imbalance that needs to be fixed. A unique consciousness is a collection of these anomalies held in place to be addressed/solved.  And as in the paper-this is the function of “consciousness” as most people think about it-being attached to a unique experience of being “me”

This may bother some people but doesn’t bother me one bit for some odd reason. 

Ok at least it’s written down.  Will start a new post next time.

The irritation build up or reclassification of this one non-irritating experience is probably because the collection of “Things people say that don’t make sense” is taking up too much space on my hard drive [and most of them are irritating because of other cumulative reasons.]

*****Evidence of how long some processes take and that catalysts are definitely needed.

Oct 2, 2009: um…yeah like this can or needs to be elaborated more… sheesh.


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