Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 1 May 2010

Dream Imaging

Dream Imaging

So… I told him that I’m still single.  [It was surprisingly good to talk to him after all these years.]

“I still fixate on the unattainable.” I said.  Sometimes I wonder what use knowledge is if it is not used to modify and improve behaviour. I seem to have a deep understanding of my own psychology.  I am aware of my bad habits as well as quicksand pitfalls in my thinking and subsequent behaviour but change comes slow and… hard. 

Of course, I still believe the only things that are really unattainable are those which rely too heavily on other people’s free will.  Admittedly, love, relationships and any measure of sexiness thereof is definitely one of those things.  Some wise and wonderful man 🙂 once said, “The body doesn’t lie.”  It does if you train it to and/or if it’s so disconnected from itself as to not be able to recognize the truth.  I told my mother that I wouldn’t have noticed him noticing me if I wasn’t myself fixated. It so happens that his noticing just might have been of the noticing and he is still very much unattainable.

It’s a pain in the ass or at least in the part of my spine right above my ass where I feel most of my tension, lol. 

Freedom is what I reach for… the freedom of youth where I didn’t care or think too hard before making my intentions known.  I like/want you.  How simple is that?  It’s never bothered me to come out and say it, I’ve never been refused and some of those lasted for years.  Even the one I never said anything to came to me years after — if only for a brief interlude.  What’s up with this period in my life?  There are several situations in my life right now that don’t make sense to me. [Like the – we would like you to do this for no compensation – crap that I still don’t get.  People have been compensating me for using my brain for as long as I can remember. Scholarships, awards, jobs. I don’t understand the try before you buy situations I’ve been attracting lately].  What am I wearing in my persona that allows this kind of approach? 

OK, this is a segue.

But not really… I believe it is definitely related to the fact that the people that I don’t want are the ones that approach me.  And it is definitely related to the almost acceptable one that I brushed off.  OK, so he was a bit strange and jobless which outweighed the near perfect fit to my physical & personality preferred type.  He needed to be brushed off… I don’t believe in the get a man and then change him to what you want method.  He can come back after he is financially stable which will probably even out his mental state.  Still… crikey!  He WAS easy to talk to, very sexy AND it takes much to get me to forget my well made wall of extra flesh enough to feel physically comfortable with someone.  It’s just an example to show that I’m getting close, I suppose.  I also have to give myself credit for being able to recognize what’s not good for me and then get rid of it. 

I should find it amusing that when I told my family I found someone with whom I felt completely comfortable and lost track of time during our conversation, the response was “You mean you were able to talk to him and be around him without getting annoyed? Wow!” It is kind of funny.  However, it is also kind of sad.  Doesn’t make me feel sad… this is just a reflective thought.  The sad thought is that it should not be a thing of wonder that there is a man I can talk to without wanting him to be gone or without being made to feel physically uncomfortable. [Correction-there are men I feel physically comfortable around that are simply non-entities in the meaning I address here.]  There are friends, yes, that I can comfortably hug even for extended periods of time but here I speak of a different level of comfort.  The correct meaning is that I in fact want to be touched by or to touch them in ways that could lead to something sexual.  This is not usually a comfortable thought for me when I feel it coming in waves off of someone else and I get aggravated when men don’t read the signs that I am ‘vibing negative’ in their presence.

So comes the question of why is there trouble when I am vibing positive? Or is there even trouble and the real problem is that I have settled into the ‘fast food’ mentality and want things to happen quickly?

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