Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 17 May 2010

Spirit Walk

Labyrinth of Knowledge

Since I find work pleasurable, does this count as Sunday self-indulgence? Charm would say no, but it is a journal entry.  That’s all about navel gazing.

The ‘VR Thing’ post is still in draft.  I can’t seem to resolve that it is nothing but practicality – Why am I looking for something more? Must be a reason. — Still, for now it’s just two levels of practicality. 1.) Virtual giant sculpture is much cheaper than real giant sculpture and 2.) Conservation.  My memory is not as good and a virtual painting should maintain it’s integrity longer than  a latex painting. In retrospect, I suppose the question about why I’m using VR/SL becomes the same question as “Why paint or sculpt?”  It is just the medium.  The same answer would apply – the VR medium pragmatically facilitates my thinking.

Anyway,  though it flits in and out of my attention, that’s not why I’m here today. 

I have a feeling which is close to the unpleasant one that comes before something not so good happens – physiopsychic, lol.  [I really should make myself finish watching Yesterday Was a Lie. “Trauma causes ripples”]  However, there is a measure of calmness associated with this, which is markedly unusual.  Not that I usually all out panic when I get this feeling but an unpleasant feeling is… unpleasant.  For some reason it is not really a problem this time.  Have I gotten used to this? Or is there some significance to the unremarkable [as far as fearful feelings is concerned] nature of this episode?  Maybe it’s a small thing or maybe it’s a course correction effect 🙂

I think that is what it is — probably just an awareness that a change is coming. One that will be a bit uncomfortable but is for the best.  Crikey! that’s it! It’s the moments before the Zone [not literally – analogy – say pre-performance jitters. Doesn’t mean that you think it will be a bad performance.  You’re just… preparing]  Where I’m faced with the situation(s) ‘to be worked on’ and I assess and align my resources before action.  In this case, it is not problem specific to the mental walk-through having to so with one project but to the larger project of my life.

So, I’ve made the decision to let go of a toxic situation and now I get to walk the walk.  I’m additionally just not used to my stress levels being less than brimming over. Remember, there’s bad stress and good stress.  It’s like “What’s wrong? I feel a bit freer than usual… I can manoeuvre around a bit? Hey! Whee!” 

I actually have the brain space to do work.  Yay!

Ummm… it is kind of ridiculous that something akin to the exhilaration of the open road behind the wheel of a fast car presents itself to me as a negative form of discomfort.  I was becoming a zombie artist, OMG!


  1. […] Well, I pretty much encapsulated it here –  There’s nothing wrong with analysing your reasons though.  It is kind of important to me […]

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