Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 22 May 2010

Random thoughts, 16 blocks and Defying Gravity

So I sit to begin this post and dare myself not to edit it when I’m done.  I had the deja vu feeling as I thought about writing it.  Of course, I attribute my deja vu feelings to the inordinate amount of time I spend mining my own thought… all that repetition is bound to begin to occur spontaneously as memories of similar memories.  And my faith is shaken… this is not really random, is it? At least not to me.  This is a post about something I never followed  up on – incorporating the random into your thought processes… even giving them weight by calling them signs. Free will or not?  These things are not unrelated. I stood at the doorway, incredibly angry, looking at her as she explained to me that I just don’t understand the … vastness of it all.  And I yelled, “I understand, I more than understand. I know.” Like the movie voice saying “know” – octaves deeper than my normal speaking [or yelling] voice.  “I know.” I said in a much quieter voice. “Which is why I tread carefully. You don’t chase this.  You sneak up on it.”  The burning bush is not a thing you run to see.  You take off your shoes like the voice commands you and… tread carefully.  You don’t go diving into the Red Sea as it parts… you wait until there is walking ground. Then don’t walk… run because you don’t know the strength of the forces that don’t want it to stay parted.  These things are not unrelated.  You need to be able to have enough presence of mind during that run to draw on whatever resource you may need to get across alive.  God is only as all powerful as the individual resolve.  My faith is not shaken… it is temporarily out of focus as I attempt to temper the memory of the abyss.  I value the first I in the ‘I and I’ – still.  This is the task. The letting go… These things are not unrelated.  I really haven’t given much thought to that question – “Is there any value – positive or negative – to the proclivity to incorporate random occurances into your thought processes?’ A cause is a cause is a cause so does it matter what cause has put the “random” cause in front of you? In my classroom example: If you have just had a fight with your boyfriend and are taking a walk to… think. Does it matter if you next come upon a couple fighting or a couple holding hands on a park bench? It somehow does matter – almost everyone with follow the tangential thought process brought on by either. What made it so that you cross paths with one or the other of those scenarios?  Even if you could find out. Would knowing what put it into motion matter? It doesn’t matter then – or does it?  She looked sad as I walked into the room and I said, “What’s up?” “The mother died and is controlling her daughter from the grave.” She cast a meaningful look in the direction of our mother and I chuckled. Later we were both stunned and speechless as the girl said, “Crawl back into your grave because I’ve had enough.” [Or some such thing.] These things are not unrelated.  There is the continued puzzle of the difficulty of it all.  The knowing the path as different from the walking the path.  ‘Experience’ and ‘Knowledge’ then are different?  There are the obvious logical choices – put a stop to it or get out/let go.  However, most of us continue to walk the muddled gray path in the task of repeatedly searching for a third answer. Admittedly some may even find it – the inevitable collapse of the wave coming so very close to knowing in your gut whether the cat is alive or dead before opening the box to find out you were right.  But I wonder if you have to be able [How do you become able?  I have enough faith not to fear asking the questions. What more do I need? Ah, because the questions are part of the fear of losing the ‘I’ in I.] to walk calmly into the just beginning to part Red Sea, embrace the randomness, so you can sign-sense the effect before the myriad causes and take the shortest path from the fuzzy middle to either the 1 or the 0.  These things are not unrelated…


Post that is not unrelated: Finding meaning in the meaningless


  1. […] Relates posts: Random thoughts, 16 blocks and Defying Gravity […]

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