Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 4 June 2010

Lesson: Be Aware

inevitable chaos

SL Photo: Inevitable Chaos

Be careful what you wish for… In my case, pay attention because you are sending wishes [vibes! lmfao] out there without flipping realising it.

This will probably be a muddled journal post… or not; it is pretty problem specific.

I have to conclude that this is all happening in response to finding out about the marriage – engagement, whatever the fuck… the thing that threw me for a loop.  Engagement, that’s it. Why couldn’t it have been a stranger?  It’s just easier when you don’t know exactly what you’re dealing with.  Well, yeah… I know that is the total opposite of how I approach life.  However, in this case ignorance would be bliss.  I don’t like being able to do comparisons. It makes it harder to ignore it… harder to dismiss. Although, it admittedly has nothing to do with the person.  I knew the inevitable news would throw me when it came — whoever it happened to be.

It is the only thing that can explain the things I am doing.   I mean for Pete’s sake! I actually sat down and had a conversation with a guy I don’t really know. Frell, it was two conversations.  I allowed myself to go through the chore of being polite, even sociable.  WTF! I’m not even remotely interested and after the third repeat of the variously reworded hint I continued to ignore… I was still talking to him.  Sigh, and… I have allowed other men to talk to me.

I just can’t cope with my own flakiness right now.  This behaviour is unacceptable. 

I am alone by choice… this is not a result of lack of opportunity or arbitrary circumstance.  I work very hard at this.  I walk around fully encased in almost visible, psychic CONCRETE – my cloak of inaccessibility.  If I have allowed myself to be open to certain far-fetched fixations they are, at bottom, intellectual fascinations and so, in a large sense contribute to… WORK!

I can’t even begin to rationally approach an explanation to the other thing without also laying it on the foundation of the news that made my family [and of course, me] collectively go “Um..I’m not sure I heard you right and if I did, I don’t understand how that can happen.”  Lol, the homogeneous response to the news is really kind of funny.  Really though… WTH am I doing?!  He actually used the word relationship.  Again, WTF!  I mean… I don’t have time for this.  I do NOT want to have to face my own wrath when I come down from the testosterone induced haze and realize I have lost valuable time.

In any case, I have to get a grip on this and it probably helps to identify the cause. 

42: This is not only the answer it is probably my freaking final answer. 

Get a grip and focus.

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