Posted by: Xhyra Graf | 14 March 2011

A Few Moments of Honesty

Originally posted on Facebook Notes

You know…

My life is good.  I can’t really complain and definitely haven’t felt the need.

Since I decided to follow the still small voice on the morning of March 3, 1998 on Loch Aviemore, things have not been bad. I at least feel like I’m attempting to live up to my potential.  Feel like I’m so far away from realizing my deepest fear that at the end I will have been the one that buried my talents and I will not hear “Well done my good and faithful servant.”

No, I listened. I no longer have that fear.  I have worked hard and I have built up a long ass resume in the 13 years since then. I just started my PhD… though it’s 20 years later than it should have been completed.  It really is better late than never – I have never been as happy as when I got my course list for the semester.

So life is good.  I’ve traveled.  I love the people in my life – I can actually say that without exception because the people I did not love – I’ve removed. Since they have been removed I can actually call myself an artist without a twinge – because I have been working.  I have been producing.  I have new ideas! Yeah, it’s been a while. Ideas I can actually foresee completing.

And… this is what this note is about.

Like I said my life is good. In August I was called and told I won the 2010 South Florida Cultural Consortium Fellowship!  This meant that although I had previously told someone at the last TSC conference that I would not be able to go, now I could.  I would be able to afford to go.  I would be able to afford to go without asking my friends and family for financial support.  I would be supporting myself on money I earned for doing what I do because I wanted to follow that still small voice.

Honesty… I took me 5 minutes to write that sentence because I am crying.

I know there are horrible things happening in the world and again, I also know my life is good but guess what, it is less than two months before the conference, three months into 2011 and I still have not received the fellowship.  I cannot get a straight answer about when we will get the fellowship money. And it hurts…

What does this mean?  This amounts to the choice between tuition for the PhD and a trip to Stockholm University to show my work in the same physical space as Roger Penrose, Deepak Chopra, Stuart Hameroff and many others.  What do you think I chose?  I still have the pen holder Charm made me in middle school that has Dr. Walters carved into it.  I intend to use it.

So… this weekend I decided to remove the pressure. I was tired of feeling overwhelmed by this thing that in the grand scheme of things seems relatively trivial.  I decided to finally tell them I could not come.  I called the Center for Consciousness Studies today to let them know I’m not coming. Abi said to me, “I don’t accept that. You fight. You can find sponsorship. Call me back later.”

So here I am. And it is a fight. It’s been so, so hard to write this. So hard…

My friends and family are how I got to France and Hong Kong.  Through their support I have built that resume/portfolio and am able to have this opportunity.  I thought I could do this on my own steam – for once without begging… but it seems I can’t.

If you can help send me a message or make a gift through paypal [noumenart@theartsoffice.net].

When I get my energy back there will be gifts for those who help me reach this small goal.

Honesty is exhausting and I need to go outside to find that still small voice.

Tonie

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